Hopeinen Omena

Kielikylpyä

Imagon vuoksi

Somehuumori sopinee tähän ketjuun?

Härski optinen illuusio viattomassa kuvassa naurattaa somessa – mitä näet tässä?

Chuckle Brothers -komediaduon kuva on herättänyt sosiaalisessa mediassa ihmetystä.

En kyllä tiedä mikä tuossa naurattaa - mutta olen muutenkin ihan ulkona somesta, etteivät tällaiset somevitsit aukene.

Savolais ukko meni helsingissä vanhingossa naisten vessan.
Hetken loroteltuaan takaa helsinkiläis rouva toteaa, että tämä on varattu naisille.
Johon savolais ukko toteaa, että niin tämäkin?!

Putin onnitteli Ukrainaa euroviisuvoiton johdosta ja toivotti kaikki tervetulleiksi ensi kevään viisukisoihin Venäjälle.

(toivottavasti tämä oli vain vitsi)

Lääkärin vastaanotolle tuli musta mies kuumeilun vuoksi.
Lääkäri kehotti ottamaan paidan ja housut pois päältä. Musta mies teki työtä käskettyä ja riisui itsensä.
Lääkäri tuumasi vielä että ei muuten riitä. Ota alushousut myös pois.
Musta mies teki kuten pyydettiin, ihmetteli toki miksi näin toimittiin.

Seuraavaksi lääkäri käski mennä oven viereen pyllistämään, musta mies meni ja pyllisti. Lääkäri ei ollut mielissään.
Lääkäri käski miestä siirtymään työpöydän läheisyyteen ja pyllistämään siinä.

Musta mies ihmetteli käskyä ja kysyi missä on vika? Kuumetta tässä tulin tänne valittamaan.?

Lääkäri käski miehen pyllistää ja mies pyllisti. Lääkäri käski pukea päälle ja kirjoitti sairasloman. Musta mies kysyi että mikä oli tämän aiheena?

Lääkäri sanoi että mietti mihin laitan sen mustan nahkasohvan

No niin, melko tuttua tuolla jossain tämäkin

Jokes

DON'T FART IN BED

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awakened. 
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. 
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her!
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. 
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. 
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." 
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. 
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."


A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. 
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." 
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. 
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" 
She says "No, I'm really a blonde". 
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."


You know you're an old happy married couple when you both can fart in bed. Snoring on the other hand…


There was this woman - enormously rich, who had two things.
a - she had never ever been with a man in "that way"
b - she had never ever washed herself "down yonder"
She decided one day - it is time to get me a male. She had seen videos of how things are performed. She thinks of set of attributes, that her to be husband must fullfill. So she advices her servants to look for three men - and the one who licks her two minutes "down yonder" is the right one. Servants are sent away - and after some days there are three candidates - one really royally handsome - one normal - and one disgustingly filthy and ugly. She looks at them and thinks right away "I´ll never touch THAT one" - meaning the third.
Instead she picks the royally handsome - down to "Australia" he goes - and in about ten seconds he faints and is carried out of the room.
The "normal" guy is next in line - but them bells toll to him at 20 seconds - out he goes.
Now this lady gets really nervous - her stomach starts going round round round - but she has to keep the promise. She is about to womit any time now...
The filthy man starts his job licking . . . 30 seconds pass - the woman feels nausea - one minute passes - tongue is wagging - minute and half - the woman feels diarhea coming any second now - she can not hold it - at 1.45 bucket full of warm **** comes out - but the man is still licking.
Two minute passed - man has done it - promise is promise - so wedding bells are ringing.
While on honeymoon, it turns out, that this guy is actually quite civilized and smart guy with fine manners and gentle personality - actually a perfect companion. So after a month she pulls herself together and asks him how come he could pull it through.
He said - Well it was the worst time of my entire life - and I was sure to be killed - but I just kept going on with hell´s fire blinking in front of my eyes. Just as I was sure I´m done and this is it and I´ll die - a sudden burst of fresh air came from God knows where - and I could easily keep on till the end.



Little old lady in Burns, TN was doing 65 in a 40 when a State Trooper met her going in the opposite direction. He did a double take and realized she was knitting as she drove. He thought, "I need to stop her and give a kind but firm lecture on safe driving" so he wheels around catches up to her and decides to leave his flashing lights off. He pulls along side her and sure enough she driving with a knitting needle in her hand and material dangling all over steering wheel down into her lap. The State Trooper rolls his window down and calmly points to the side of the road snd says, "pull over" snd she just smiles and nodds and keeps on driving. Trooper thinks she may be hard of hearing so this time he puts a little volume on his "pull over" to which she responds by just nodding and smiling but kept right on driving and knitting. State Trooper is a little "testy" by now and thinks I going to have to get a little rough with Granny so he pulls along side her and, thankfully, she has rolled down her window. Loudly and sternly he yells, "pull over" and she looks at him and sweetly smiles and says, "no a Scarf."


An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.


A doctor, lawyer and musician die in a car crash and find themselves outside the pearly gates before St. Peter.
St. Pete to the doctor: "Why should I let you into heaven?"
Doctor: "I devoted my life to curing the ill, healing the wounded and improving the quality life of all those that sought my services."
St. Pete: "Welcome to heaven" and the pearly gates open with angels lining the golden road cheering to welcome the newcomer in joyous celebration.
St. Pete to the lawyer: "Why should I let you into heaven?"
Lawyer: "I devoted my life to justice for all, defending the rights of individuals, and improving the quality of life for all those that sought my services."
St. Pete: "Welcome to heaven" and the pearly gates open with angels lining the golden road cheering to welcome the newcomer in joyous celebration.
St. Pete to the musician: "Why should I let you into heaven?"
Musician: "I devoted my live to the celebration of life itself through the magic of song and dance and improved the quality of life for all those that sought my services."
St. Pete: "Welcome to heaven. To enter please use the loading dock in back, go through the kitchen and take the freight elevator to the third floor........"


An old fart was sitting in the lazy boy with the TV remote, flipping back and forth between the fishing channel and the porn channel. His wife came in, watched him for a few minutes, and then said "Pa, you better leave that on the porn channel, don't you think?" He said "how come, Ma??" To which she replied "Well....you already know how to fish".....


At a bar in New York City, the bartender was so sure that he was the strongest man around that he offered a standing $1,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.
Over the years, many people had tried . . . weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.
One day, a scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.
He sat down, ordered a glass of beer, and started looking around the bar. After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice, "I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet." 
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said "Ok".
He grabbed a lemon and squeezed all the juice he could out of it, then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. 
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. 
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1,000, and then asked, "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a lumber jack, a weight-lifter, or what?" 
The little fellow quietly replied:
"I work for the Internal Revenue Service!"


"This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person is me. I had gone to catch a train, This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was about twenty minutes early. I'd got the time of the train wrong. I suppose it is at least equally possible," he added after a moment's reflection, "that British Rail had got the time of the train wrong. Hadn't occurred to me before."
"Get on with it." Fenchurch laughed.
"So I bought a newspaper, to do the crossword, and went to the buffet to get a cup of coffee."
"You do the crossword?"
"Yes."
"Which one?"
"The Guardian usually."
"I think it tries to be too cute. I prefer The Times. Did you solve it?"
"What?"
"The crossword in The Guardian."
"I haven't had a chance to look at it yet," said Arthur. "I'm still trying to buy the coffee."
"All right then. Buy the coffee."
"I'm buying it. I am also," said Arthur, "buying some biscuits."
"What sort?"
"Rich Tea."
"Good choice."
"I like them."
"Laden with all these new possessions, I go and sit at a table. And don't ask me what the table was like because this was some time ago and I can't remember. It was probably round."
"All right."
"So let me give you the layout. Me sitting at the table, on my left, the newspaper, on my right, the cup of coffee, in the middle of the table, the packet of biscuits."
"I see it perfectly."
"What you don't see," said Arthur, "because I haven't mentioned him yet, is the guy sitting at the table already. He is sitting there opposite me."
"What's he like?"
"Perfectly ordinary. Briefcase. Business suit. He didn't look," said Arthur, "as if he was about to do anything weird."
"Ah. I know the type. What did he do?"
"He did this. He leaned across the table, picked up the packet of biscuits, tore it open, took one out, and . . ."
"What?"
"Ate it."
"What?"
"He ate it."
Fenchurch looked at him in astonishment. "What on earth did you do?"
"Well, in the circumstances I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do. I was compelled," said Arthur, "to ignore it."
"What? Why?"
"Well, it's not the sort of thing you're trained for, is it? I searched my soul, and discovered that there was nothing anywhere in my upbringing, experience, or even primal instincts to tell me how to react to someone who has quite simply, calmly, sitting right there in front of me, stolen one of my biscuits."
"Well, you could . . ." Fenchurch thought about it. "I must say I'm not sure what I would have done either. So what happened?"
"I stared furiously at the crossword," said Arthur, "couldn't do a single clue, took a sip of coffee, it was too hot to drink, so there was nothing for it. I braced myself. I took a biscuit, trying very hard not to notice," he added, "that the packet was already mysteriously open. . . ."
"But you're fighting back, taking a tough line."
"After my fashion, yes. I ate the biscuit. I ate it very deliberately and visibly, so that he would have no doubt as to what it was I was doing. When I eat a biscuit," said Arthur, "it stays eaten."
"So what did he do?"
"Took another one. Honestly," insisted Arthur, "this is exactly what happened. He took another biscuit, he ate it. Clear as daylight. Certain as we are sitting on the ground."
Fenchurch stirred uncomfortably.
"And the problem was," said Arthur, "that having not said anything the first time, it was somehow even more difficult to broach the subject the second time around. What do you say? 'Excuse me ...I couldn't help noticing, er...' Doesn't work. No, I ignored it with, if anything, even more vigor than previously."
"My man .. ."
"Stared at the crossword again, still couldn't budge a bit of it, so showing some of the spirit that Henry V did on St. Crispin's Day.."
"What?"
"I went into the breach again. I took," said Arthur, "an-other biscuit. And for an instant our eyes met."
"Like this?"
"Yes, well, no, not quite like that. But they met. Just for an instant. And we both looked away. But I am here to tell you," said Arthur, "that there was a little electricity in the air. There was a little tension building up over the table. At about this time."
"I can imagine."
"We went through the whole packet like this. Him, me, him, me . . ."
"The whole packet?"
"Well, it was only eight biscuits, but it seemed like a lifetime of biscuits we were getting through at this point. Gladiators could hardly have had a tougher time."
"Gladiators," said Fenchurch, "would have had to do it in the sun. More physically gruelling."
"There is that. So. When the empty packet was lying dead between us the man at last got up, having done his worst, and left. I heaved a sigh of relief, of course."
"As it happened, my train was announced a moment or two later, so I finished my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper . . ."
"Yes?"
"Were my biscuits."



Theres a joke about classical/orchestral musicians. One day a string bassist was observed sitting next to his bass and crying. He was asked "why?". He responded. "The percussionist moved one of my tuning pegs,
…
and he won't tell me which one!"


A new guy arrives log cabin in north - things go swell in general, but being young man he has this urge ( don´t we all ??? ) - he tries to cover it - same time wondering what the heck goes on in the evenings. One by one the older men melt snow in a kettle and when it boils they take it and go out - one after another - finally when they all have done it he goes out to see what´s there - he follows the path in the snow to a tree where he finds a frozen rear-end of dead reindeer is tied onto tree trunk at "suitable height" . . .


Beware of spell checkers
Letter Perfect

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss stakes I kin knot sea

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee for two long
And I can put the air or write
Its rare lee ever wrong

Eye halve run this poem threw it
Eye am shore yore pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew!



In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall.
Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
The mathematician said: "Never."
The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time."
The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

Mitä eroa on käkikellolla ja ruotsalaisella?

Käkikelloa vedetään edestä ja se sanoo tik-tak, tik-tak...

Ruotsalaista vedetään takaa ja se sanoo tack-tack, tack-tack...

Nainen sai apeltaan hienon korvakorun.
Nainen sai apeltaan hienon varvaskorun.
Nainen sai apeltaan hienon sormuksen.

A woman got nice ear ring from her father in law.
A woman got nice toe ring from her father in law.
A woman got nice finger ring from her father in law.

Siis kerroit kahdella?

Nice fingering. Haha

oppenheimer kirjoitti: A woman got a nice ear ring from her father in law.
A woman got a nice toe ring from her father in law.
A woman got a nice finger ring from her father in law.

Korjasin.

Jos se kävelee kuin ankka, vaakkuu kuin ankka ja vielä näyttääkin ankalta niin mikä se on?

Sorsakoodi, jolla on tehty ankkaobjekti.

(Heeheehee, mä keksin tän itse.)

After deciding about the missile attack on Qassem Suleimani, President Trump ate Meat Loaf.

Nuori pappi oli kirkossa niin hermostunut ensimmäisen ehtoollisen
kanssa, ettei voinut edes puhua kunnolla, vaan änkytti koko ajan.
Ennen toista ehtoollistaan, seuraavana sunnuntaina, kokenut
arkkipiispa kertoi niksin, miten voisi rentoutua.

Tämä ehdotti seuraavaa: "Ensi kerralla pistä pari tippaa vodkaa vesilasiin ja juo se. Näette sitten, miten parin lasillisen jälkeen olo on rentoutunut".

Seuraavana sunnuntaina pappi teki kuten neuvottiin ja heti tunsi,
miten rennoksi olo muuttuikin. Ehtoollinen sujui hienosti ja puhe oli erinomaisen sujuvaa. Nuori pappi oli oikein ylpeä lämpimästä,
hartaasta ja välittömästä tunnelmasta, jonka hän oli kyennyt kirkkoväkeen puheellaan luomaan. Ehtoollisen jälkeisenä päivänä pappi löysi huoneestaan kirjeen:

Hyvä pastori Jussilainen !

Seuraavan kerran pistäkää pari tippaa vodkaa vesilasiin - ei pari
tippaa vettä vodkalasilliseen. Älkää etenkään laittako paria
vodkalasillista ehtoollisviinin sekaan. Kerron teille muutamista
huomioista, jotta samat erheet eivät toistuisi ensi sunnuntaina:

- Vodkan lisäksi sitruunaviipaleet, jääpalat, aurinkovarjot ja pillit ovat ehtoollisviinimaljaan kuulumattomia asioita.

- Se pieni koppi siinä alttarin vieressä ei ole vessa.

- Pidämme liperejä kaulan, emme otsan ympärillä, vaikka Jeesus joskus otsapantaa käyttikin. Ei ole myöskään tapana taitella lipereistä hassuja jäniksen korvia.

- Yrittäkää välttää Pyhän Marian patsaaseen nojaamista ja etenkin
Hänen halaamistaan ja rintojen kourailua.

- Vaikka alttarin viereisillä enkelipatsailla onkin siivet, ei ole soveliasta yrittää ratsastaa heillä taivaaseen Jeesusta "moikkaamaan", etenkään tuohuksella piiskaa takapuolelle antaen. Edellä mainitun epäonnistuminen ei myöskään anna aihetta repiä kattokruunua alas ja vaatia "Jeesus the man":iä tulemaan alas kansansa keskuuteen.

- Käskyjä on 10, ei 12. Suosituksia, kehotuksia tai uhkauksia ei ole ainoatakaan.

- Apostoleja oli sen sijaan 12, eikä seitsemän. He olivat, aivan
oikein kalastajia, mutta Lähi-idästä ei tiettävästi löydy valaita. Kukaan opetuslapsista ei ollut kääpiö.

- Me emme viittaa Herraamme Jeesus Kristukseen ja opetuslapsiin "JC'nd the boys" tai "Jesse ja likainen tusina".

- Daavid löi Goljatin maahan kivellä ja heittovälineellä, ei
"näyttänyt mistä kana kusee" tai "laittanut läskiä tummumaan".

- Emme viittaa Juudakseen "päivänkakkaran kyylänä". Raamattu ei vastaa
kysymykseen, jättikö Juudas arvonlisä- ja tuloveron maksamatta
Jeesuksen kavaltamisesta saamastaan hopeasta.

- Bin Ladenilla ei ollut mitään tekemistä Jeesuksen kuoleman kanssa.

- Älkää rukoilko messua kirkon portailta eikä ainakaan jalka Raamatun päällä

- Vanhempi rouvashenkilö, jota yrititte ihmeparantaa, kyllä kaatui, mutta ei parantunut. Hänen lonkkansa murtui.

- Öylätit tulee jakaa ehtoolliseen osallistuville, ne eivät ole
alkupaloja ehtoollisviinin kanssa.

- Urkuja soittavaa henkilöä kutsutaan kanttoriksi, ei
"pillipiipariksi".

- Kanttorin mäyräkoira jonka yrititte uhrata, selvisi, mutta
kolmijalkaisena silmäpuolena ja ilman häntää. Alttari joudutaan
pesemään.

- Synnintekijät menevät maanalainen paikka, eivät "hevonvittuun". Kolehdin antamatta jättäminen ei riitä tekemään seurakunnan jäsenestä synnintekijää.

- Kirkko ei ota vastaan luottokortteja, joten palauttakaa
kaupunginjohtajalle hänen Visansa.

- Isä Meidän tulee lukea kädet ristissä, ei tekemällä "aaltoja".

- Kutsu yleisön saapua tanssimaan Jumalalle oli hyvä, letkajenkan
tekeminen ei.

- MUUTA HUOMIOITAVAA: Se tyyppi, joka istui siinä alttarin nurkalla, johon te viittasitte sanoilla "hinttari", "tuhkamuna" ja "hameasuinen transvestiitti", olin minä. Toivottavasti nämä erheet tulevat korjatuksi ensi sunnuntaihin mennessä.

Kunnioittavasti Teidän,
Arkkipiispa.

Aika kova setti.

Hieno!

Mitä sano ryssä, kun Iranissa tippui matkustajakone?

...

Iranin syyttämiseen ei ole mitään perusteita!

Vitsi se on huonokin vitsi. Eli Venäjä.

Jostain syystä tämä hiukan nauratti!

Oululainen Erno ei ole pysyä housuissaan, kun hänen eteensä pamahtaa täysin alastomia naisia uutuussarjassa – ”Vaikea pitää käsiä irti”

PKivireki kirjoitti:___Vitsi se on huonokin vitsi.

MIettikääs jos Epson olisikin alkanut valmistaa väritelkkareita 80-luvulla. ”Syaani värikasetti lopussa. Ei voida näyttää elokuvaa Pekka ja Pätkä Suezilla”

Onko vitsissä jotain syvällisempää kuin tämä:

https://keskustelu.suomi24.fi/t/1267921 ... i-ei-toimi

^ Hyvänkin vitsin voi helposti pilata selittämällä se. Huono vitsi on usein pakko selittää, ja täten pilata se.

Vastaus kysymykseen: Ei. Vitsissä ei ollut yhtään mitään tuota syvällisempää

Toimiiko Fingerpori tekstinä pelkästään...

Hindulaisia Munkkeja:
Katso, kumvatteja!
Oletko maistanut?
Juu, tykkäsin niistä sikana.

Hyvin toimii - olisivathan nuo voineet olla Jainalaisiakin. Kaavun selässä oleva symboli ei sitten olisi pelkällä tekstillä mennyt.